I had an epiphany in the night. I want to share it with you all, because I believe that while "we cannot heal another human being.....we can heal ourselves until our presence is healing." If my sharing of my healing journey is helpful to anyone I want to share it all.
As you know, I've been clearing 12 chakras and auric levels for as many people as ask me to...and I decided that unless I clear my own, I cannot fully be a healing presence.
So I began my work, officially, journalling the tenth chakra. The
question arose. What is the hardest thing I came here to process? And what is my life purpose?
Believe it or not....I was stumped. I couldn't figure out what the
hardest thing I came here to process might have been. I made a long list of scary stories and sad events, and they all added up to a putrid beginning and an ongoing saga of green snot....but none of them seemed hard any more. I assumed that I had already done the hardest thing.
The body parts and physical issues associated with the tenth chakra are as follows: Body: Feet, ankles, legs, adrenals, Emotional: weight issues, avoidance issues, feeling spacy, paranoia, schizophrenia, neurosis or dissociation. HA! not that I deal with any of those, mind you.. But I was having a massage yesterday, focused on my question, and my 10th chakra work, and my therapist noticed that since the last time she gave me a massage (quite a while) my legs (especially around the knees) are really, in her words, "taking a beating" trying to carry so much weight. It's true that I have suffered greatly lately in my feet, ankles, knees and hips, even....trying to carry this weight around. In the night I got up to go pee.......and when I came back, I decided, that since I was wide awake, I'd have a MAPSession (questions, ask) and in that session, with the help of my MAP Team, and All in attendance, I really, really GOT what my hardest thing is. I absolutely HATE myself. I HATE being so fat, and I feel POWERLESS to correct it. And I don't know if the weight
leads to self-loathing, or the self-loathing is because of the weight...but it's all a vicious cycle, and it doesn't really matter any more. The hatred prevails, and the fat remains...no matter what I do. [Interesting to note here, that since this epiphany, I've released 40 pounds, and it continues to fall off effortlessly].
I remember, as a very little girl, when weight wasn't an issue......I hated myself then, too. That was because I had a dirty neck, and sometimes didn't have clean underwear to wear to school, (so I didn't wear any, and they noticed) or because I was always dirty, with popsicle trails running down my dirty arms, and the other kids hated me, and the teachers hated me, and it seemed my parents hated me......so I learned to hate me. I remember trying to lick my forearms clean, and they hated me for that, too. I couldn't seem to win.
Tenth Chakra is about choosing IN...it's about grounding into your unique place in the center of the earth.....and allowing the Mother to nurture you. I guess I never chose in because I can't honestly say I believed myself deserving of any unique place in the center of the earth.....I felt I couldn't even breathe my share of clean air...my parents smoked, and it's all I could do to hold my breath long enough to take the next fetid sip of air. In response to my complaint, they said, "I never asked you to.........." I don't remember what, but I got the message. "You don't deserve to breathe."
And as an adult, processing all of the above, and so much more, in my early sessions of therapy...I remember that I didn't feel compassion for that snotty little girl, I hated her. I thought I had gotten over that. But I see I still haven't. My mounds and mounds of insulation and padding and hiding material still prove that.
So, the hardest thing I've come here to do is to love my self. I probably do love my Self, but my self is out of luck with me, so far.
I did articulate THAT for myself earlier, in Chakra 10 journalling. I wrote how "scattered I felt, and how discouraged and disgusted I felt @ my lack of self discipline. I remember that a disciple is a follower. To discipline is to follow. I realize that to follow my Self, would be to be Self-disciplined. Looking in the mirror is painful. Walking is painful. I feel poisoned. St. Germain said that craving sweets is craving feminine energy. That would be me -- longing for mother. I Am the only mother I have now, and I Am not a bad mother at all. My ego, however, with no better model, is an over-indulgent, permissive, no boundaried mess of a mother. I must learn to turn to my Self to mother me, not my self. I see now that my self has long been called upon to do more than she could do. My self -- Margaret -- is only a little girl, craving her mother's care and doing the best she could to meet her needs with substitutes for love and maternal sweetness.
I must learn to differentiate (which seems like a backwards step in my quest for Oneness) but to re-cognize when I Am not responding ably to my inner child, but rather allowing her to fill her emptiness with poor choices, with hollow substitutes for love."
So, Dear Ones, I share these ramblings and ephipanies with you for two reasons.
- 1) I am attempting to hold my self accountable. By sharing them, I commit to do something about them. and
- 2) I truly want my healing presence to become healing. If sharing my real stuff with you can encourage you to find your own real Self....then it will have been worth it. And I believe this is why I Am here. To mirror a healing journey. That would be my life purpose, and I choose fully into it.
It's almost a chuckle. It never ceases to amaze me, how simple it is. The Answer to every Question always boils back down to one four-letter word.
It's always, only, ever about LOVE.